Ryan and I decided to try to have a baby in December, 2015. We figured it would take a few months. I read that on average it takes couples about 9 months just to get pregnant, so we weren’t expecting anything too soon.
Well, in January 2016, I was two days late for my period and Ryan was out of town in Nashville for work. Ryan used to work out of town regularly and he also takes a week in the winter to go hunting, so I’m kind of used to being by myself at home. I don’t like it at all, but it’s not so scary anymore. One night, Ryan told me he would call me in a little while to say goodnight so I stayed up to wait for him. Unfortunately some stuff came up and it looked like he wouldn’t be able to talk that night.
I cried for an hour.
Okay, like I’m emotional and stuff but I’m not usually so out of control. So the next day I took a pregnancy test and there were two little pink lines and that was only the beginning of the pink things that would start to fill our lives.
It’s been nine months and a few days since I took that test on that Sunday morning. And it’s been a rocky road, for sure. The emotions and the changes that come with pregnancy are so much more than a romantic comedy plot line. The journey to becoming a mother is certainly not for the faint of heart.
I’ve learned to trust my husband, I’ve learned to trust myself. Both of which I’m still learning. I’ve learned to listen to my body and to ride the waves of physical pain, fatigue, and anxiety about almost everything. I’ve watched my body change into something I didn’t recognize from day to day. I’ve gotten to know this little person that’s growing inside me. I’ve never been so tired in my life. I’ve never discussed my eating habits and weight gain so frequently. I’ve never cried so much. And I’ve never been so acutely aware of my own selfishness and need for control.
You don’t get to control anything when you’re having a baby. You can not change your eating habits at all and still all of the sudden your butt has doubled in size. Your husband is becoming a dad, and you don’t get to have a say in what that looks like. You have no idea when the baby will actually arrive. Right when you vocalize that you don’t think you’ll get stretch marks at all(!) that’s when they appear. And you most of all have no control over all the stupid things people will say to you. But just tell your husband and laugh about it. The one thing you can keep is your sense of humor. If you’re not pissed off about everything, that is. You don’t have control over that either.
I love it. I love being pregnant. I know I’m one of the lucky ones, because so many women hate it, but I genuinely enjoyed the experience. Today I’m three days late from my due date and I no longer am loving it as much but it’s still a thrilling experience. It’s funny to look back at January, when I was waiting three minutes before I could look at the test, and see how much I’ve changed. I’m a totally different person, but almost more of myself.